as much as i try to pretend that i don't care about my dad. i still wish i could be the one ignoring him instead of him ignoring me. i wanted to be the one to blow of his thanksgiving, but he invited the entire family. except me. i just wish i could be the one to leave his sorry ass behind.

i'm so mad at him for everything. but it still hurts he doesn't even try to include me in his life unless he's trying to get something from me.


i know i'm going to end up seeing him for christmas though. only reason is for my grandma. she's recovering from cancer and i'd feel like an ass if i blew her off and she weren't around for the next one.

everyone thinks i'm happy. i ran away from the midwest to live on an island. for free. why wouldn't i be happy. but they are all missing the same thing. i ran away. i'm constantly running away from something. from people, from home, from reality. from something.

meaningless sex doesn't help, and doesn't seem worth it when all you really want is to love, and to be loved.  it seems like it hurts more than anything.


today at work, we were closing and cleaning everything up and the song THE FRESHMAN, by THE VERVE came on.  it started making me really depressed.  i had to go into the bathroom and get away from things.  it's been just over 2 months, but i don't think there has been a single day passed that i haven't thought about him at least once.  it feels like it's just one of those times that he disapears for a while and then i'll see him all the time again.  

fucking weakerthans remind me of two friends now that have died.  the first wasn't a great friend, but i did used to eat lunch with her all the time, and occasionally give her rides home from school.  and see her at a locker she shared with my best friend.  i got word of her death while standing at the top of some stairs, about to walk downa nd see the weakerthans live in a basement of a bar in louisville.  the second friend, a better friend.  we used to drink a lot and stay up til the sun rose.  we pissed people off.  we stole bears.  we pissed and puked in the same alley we sat in and drank til 3am.  he was a good guy.  he listened to the weakerthans a lot.  vodka used to make him cry.  he used to blog a lot.  in his last blog he wrote "perhaps our ghosts meet agains omeday, and finish what we started"  i want that tattooed across my chest and back.  

i think i might have thursday off.  if i do, i think i might drive somewhere.  load some shit in my car, some blankets and pillows.  get off work and go.  maybe go to michigan, maybe south.  someplace warm.  waybe west.  maybe i'll get a friend to come with me.  but i'm sleeping in the car.  hell, if i can get someone to cover my wednesday shift, i could leave tomorrow night and be gone all day wednesday and start heading back thursday night. 

 i feel like i'm losing/lost all of my friends.

plain tickets to Spain are expensive!

i just recently moved back in my mom because of a variety of different issues.  but since moving back i've started working out, i've stopped drinking so much, i've been eating better and more regularly.  i got a job finally (after 6 months of being unemployed).  and i've been fairly busy running errands or working.  but i feel like i've lost most of my friends.  and the few i used to see a lot, i won't see as much now that i've moved.  even if it is only 20 minutes away.  it's just because of conflicting schedules.

i think i'm gonna save my money for one of 2 things.  a) a motorcycle.    b) a trip to spain.
i've wanted a motorcycle for a long time.  but i also really want to do the running of the bulls in spain.  so far, the cheapest tickets i've found were about $880.  roundtrip.  not including anything there, and i'd be staying about 10 days.

want to relax and smoke a good hooka right now

wish i had the money or the food to make a delicious, or atleast satisfying, meal.

wish my kitchen ceiling weren't in desperate need of repair

wish christmas wasn't so damn close, or that i had a job to be able to DO christmas


wanr more female friends that i hang out with a lot.

want a girlfriend.

 i am suddenyl extemely content with my life.  but i wish there were a few differences.  i wish i were A) in a band    B) a DJ.  then i could do something here and there for money.  if i could make $400 a month, i'd be set with all my bills.  and i could continue living my life about the way it is going now.  which, despite the lack of food and incredible friends that want to hang out with me, i really enjoy my life.  

i sleep til somewhere between 9-11am then get up.  watch ellen.  listen to (in myopinion) incredible music and drink coffee til i feel like doing something else.  then i get out and find something fun, interesting, and free to do.  then stay up and watch movies or play video games with my room mate until he goes to bed.  then i stay up a little later and then i crash.  i sleep in a great bed with cold air rushing in over me while i'm all wrapped up.  then i wake up and do it all over again.

i really don't want to work a fulltime boring job, but i need a little bit here and there. 

AND MOST INTERESTING OF ALL: i don't remember the last time i drank an alcoholic drink.  i know i've had a couple beers since thanksgiving, but i think we actually finished them onthe day after thanksgiving.  so it's been almost a week.  a week without even trying.  thats good.  thats one good thing about being the poorest person i know.

 

and i need to see my nephew more.  when i saw him on thanksgiving, he kept calling me by the wrong name until i'd badger him and refuse to play with him til he finally got it right. (he's only 2 1/2 or so, but he should still know my name)  i used to see him all the time, and now i hardly see him.  and there is another one on the way. 

Current Location: broadripple
Current Music: commander venus

i have 1 1/2 hours to come up with $300 or they are going to file suit to evict me.  technically if i have it in by 9am tomorrow morning they should still accept it, but either way i think i am pretty fucked here.  well, i've got one dollar to my name, and absolutely no gas in my car to even go to my parents with.  i'm gonna go play a scratch off ticket and hope i win something.  anything.

 curious,  how will tonight end?  

it's funny how somethings come so easily.  and yet so undeserved.  

i really think i'm going crazy.  it's not a quick, sudden thing.  but something long in the making.  i'm ok with that, i think.  the part that bothers me is that i feel i'm not too far from the climax. 

tonight i have the ingredients for a disaster, all close at hand.  i'd say that i hope for the best, but i'm not sure what that is anymore.

Current Music: hanalei

 earlier, while walking around town, i realized that get more....i don't know, relief?....from LJ than i do my own friends.  they've been so shady and weird lately that if i say anything they make fun of me or think i'm weird or stupid or something.  

but one thing i don't get is that i moved AWAY from them, and they followed me.  they followed me and then started acting weird.  and now i feel like i fit in with them less and less everyday.  

"i just need some time off.
i need some time off,
from all of this. yeeaaahhhh"

Current Music: the king - piebald